Rejection in the Dating World

Most men get rejected a lot by women…

In the majority of situations men are responsible for most phases of escalation in

a relationship until sex happens. At each point they are open to rejection.

Approaching to start a conversation, the first physical touching, asking for their

number or social media info, going in for the first kiss … etc. At each of these

points the women can choose to reject the man. She can reject in an empathetic

manner or she can do it in a less respectful manner, such as ‘ghosting’. Because

of this major difference in the sexes, I think it is challenging for women to really

understand the kind of pain most men go through for at least some periods in

their lives. Basically, many men seeking sex and loving bonds with women can

go through long periods (maybe indefinitely) of being deprived of this very basic

biological desire, and sometimes in a humiliating manner. Particularly when

someone is a young man “with something to prove to himself or others”,

repeated rejection over long periods can be quite painful and depressing, and it

can also be very challenging to break out of the “dry spell”.

Of course, women do give “signals.” Female behaviour and body language can

make each step in the dating process easier for a man, who has some

experience and social intelligence, however, this can only go so far, as ultimately

rejection is always a possibility that the man does not control. This can also be

a ‘catch-22’ situation, as men with more experience with women will better read

signals and will better avoid rejection, whereas naïve men, such as those with

little emotional or physical experience with women will unfortunately be the

worst ‘readers’ and charmers of women and will get rejected the most.

If you’re currently a woman, with one or more options of men desiring to date

you, or if it’s easy to get dates when you want them, imagine the shoe was on

the other foot…

As a woman, what if you had to initiate every step in the dating process? Have

you ever initiated a conversation with a man you were attracted to and had to

carry the conversation? Could you make him laugh, charm him, demonstrate real

confidence and make him interested in you on the spot? What if his ‘signals’

weren’t fully clear to you, and what if you know that if you show too much

neediness, awkwardness, or nerves that it will turn him off and you will be

rejected? How do you imagine that situation would feel overall?

Going further, something that many women don’t realize is that it is very easy to

remain single for a man indefinitely. The truth is, for the vast majority of men, if

they don’t put in a good amount of baseline effort trying to get dates with

women and become an attractive man, they will likely never have sex or

relationships. That is the hard truth. Firsthand, I know of several men in their

early and mid 20s who have not put in much effort with women and have never

come close to a date. So, on top of the challenges of rejection for men, it is the

only path for men who want any kind of sexual or romantic relationship

experience with women, which virtually all heterosexual men desire.

What is the solution?

The world or at least the Western world would become an emotionally healthier

place with more empathy from certain women in the dating world. Women can

easily make a habit of belittling men and disrespectfully rejecting them. More

broadly, it is easy for women to be oblivious to the pain experience by men in

the dating world. Women should remember, it really does take guts to open

yourself up to rejection, especially for the men with limited experience who they

are most likely to reject! This isn’t at all meant to mean that women should

tolerate genuine sexual harassment or aggressive behaviour from men. These

men do not deserve you’re respect and so should not be given any.

For those men who you have mixed feeling about, try to be more patient and

realize the stress put on a man putting himself out there in the early stages of

dating. Don’t be overly judgemental if he makes a faux pas or turns you off a bit

with some of his behaviors. Give him a chance to show you some of his real

character, good qualities, and moral principles (which hopefully you care about).

For those men you truly just aren’t attracted to and have no interest in, please

still show him respect. Treat him how you would want to be treated. Don’t

humiliate him, don’t rudely reject him, and don’t ghost him. If you see good

qualities in him but he made ‘mistakes’, give him constructive criticism or you

can simply communicate clearly that you’re not interested verbally or over text.

It’s also a situation where lying can be fairly harmless and even helpful. It is easy

to end a conversation by saying ‘I am seeing someone’ or ‘I have a boyfriend’

with little damage done compared to outright rejection.

By having more understanding and empathy for what many men go through with

rejection, women can help alleviate some of this burden on men, by

remembering all men are human beings that deserve some patience and

respect, even the ones that you have no interest in. For those you are interested

in, try to make it as easy as possible by showing you’re signals clearly and give

it some time to make sure he sees them.

The ‘hidden’ rejection of women…

Does this mean that women have it easier than men? Sort of … I would say that

most ‘attractive’ women, who most men would desire as a partner, do have it

easier, at least during the early stages of dating. Of the many men that will

express desire for them, they ‘simply’ have to reject those they don’t want and

choose the ones they do want for sex and dating. This isn’t a novel idea, and

one can find many YouTube videos making a similar point about the many

options of young women. However, an often overlooked or mischaracterized

point is that most men do a lot of rejection too, they just don’t really

acknowledge it or realize it. They reject many women simply based on a quick

visual glance and likely soon forget about them. This category of women, who

most men find unattractive, go through a lot of pain, and are often completely

ignored by or even ridiculed by men. This category of women are also likely not

truly ever understood by ‘attractive’ women, even those they are friends with.

Imagine that you seek a loving long-term bond with man and yet every one of

them you encounter is at best willing to offer you casual sex. These

‘unattractive’ women are also often more limited than men in their ability to

make themselves more attractive.

What is the solution?

Men would do well to be more empathetic of women who they have no serious

interest in. Realize there is a good portion of women who experience a lot of

rejection before they have even had a chance to speak. There are of course

some men who are similarly rejected but these men still have chance if they

have other strong qualities (hence ‘Beauty and the Beast’). Following this, if you

are man, for any women who you are in any way on the fence about physically,

give her a chance! I have experienced this firsthand, with women who I was

initially not physically attracted to, who transformed quickly into someone very

attractive with her charm and wit. Men should also get rid of the 10 point scale.

To give someone a number on their attractiveness is dehumanizing for anyone,

and usually ends up just lowering women’s self-esteem and making men more

competitive and judgemental of each other, making it worse for everyone.

In terms of direct advice for women, realize that nature and culture can be ‘cruel’

in terms of standards for physical attractiveness, but that doesn’t mean the

right answer is to become hopeless, cynical, or hateful of men. Think of physical

attractiveness as the gateway to a loving relationship and many men once in

relationship with you will actually be more accepting of physical traits they might

not of initially.

For women, firstly, don’t underestimate the power of your own confidence and

showing traits that men find attractive. Show them you’re warmth, principles,

wit, and charm …, and work on any of these that need it. Secondly, work on any

physical traits that you have control over. Lose excess fat, gain muscle, and

accentuate the positive aspects of your body naturally and not with a lot of

makeup or surgeries. You’d be surprised at the range of body types men find

attractive despite what they may say aloud. Often endomorphic women (that

hold fat more easily), are the ones most likely to let themselves go but could

have very attractive bodies to most men with some effort and could feel better

and healthier at the same time. An easy method is to add a lot of legumes,

fruits, and vegetables to your diet and you will watch your body transform and

even moderate exercise will accelerate you’re transformation. Endomorphic

women greatly underestimate how quickly they can significantly shift the

amount of men interested in them as partners, as a lot of men do like some fat

on a woman and genuinely aren’t looking for ‘skinny’ women. None of this is

meant to be ‘fat shaming’, it is only to acknowledge that having an excess of fat

is something the women have at least some control over and have by taking up

healthy habits can potentially transform their experience with men and dating,

and likely make them healthier overall at the same time.

Conclusion…

For men and women, considering the points in this article, the dating world

would be a better place with more consideration and empathy towards the pain

of rejection the other sex goes through. This could cause less depression,

frustration and anger in both parties. Also, always focus on what you actually

want and are attracted to in a partner and not what you’re friends or society

wants. Finally, self-improvement to become more attractive should not be

underestimated by anyone.