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Most men get rejected a lot by women…
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In the majority of situations men are responsible for most phases of escalation in
a relationship until sex happens. At each point they are open to rejection.
Approaching to start a conversation, the first physical touching, asking for their
number or social media info, going in for the first kiss … etc. At each of these
points the women can choose to reject the man. She can reject in an empathetic
manner or she can do it in a less respectful manner, such as ‘ghosting’. Because
of this major difference in the sexes, I think it is challenging for women to really
understand the kind of pain most men go through for at least some periods in
their lives. Basically, many men seeking sex and loving bonds with women can
go through long periods (maybe indefinitely) of being deprived of this very basic
biological desire, and sometimes in a humiliating manner. Particularly when
someone is a young man “with something to prove to himself or others”,
repeated rejection over long periods can be quite painful and depressing, and it
can also be very challenging to break out of the “dry spell”.
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Of course, women do give “signals.” Female behaviour and body language can
make each step in the dating process easier for a man, who has some
experience and social intelligence, however, this can only go so far, as ultimately
rejection is always a possibility that the man does not control. This can also be
a ‘catch-22’ situation, as men with more experience with women will better read
signals and will better avoid rejection, whereas naïve men, such as those with
little emotional or physical experience with women will unfortunately be the
worst ‘readers’ and charmers of women and will get rejected the most.
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If you’re currently a woman, with one or more options of men desiring to date
you, or if it’s easy to get dates when you want them, imagine the shoe was on
the other foot…
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As a woman, what if you had to initiate every step in the dating process? Have
you ever initiated a conversation with a man you were attracted to and had to
carry the conversation? Could you make him laugh, charm him, demonstrate real
confidence and make him interested in you on the spot? What if his ‘signals’
weren’t fully clear to you, and what if you know that if you show too much
neediness, awkwardness, or nerves that it will turn him off and you will be
rejected? How do you imagine that situation would feel overall?
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Going further, something that many women don’t realize is that it is very easy to
remain single for a man indefinitely. The truth is, for the vast majority of men, if
they don’t put in a good amount of baseline effort trying to get dates with
women and become an attractive man, they will likely never have sex or
relationships. That is the hard truth. Firsthand, I know of several men in their
early and mid 20s who have not put in much effort with women and have never
come close to a date. So, on top of the challenges of rejection for men, it is the
only path for men who want any kind of sexual or romantic relationship
experience with women, which virtually all heterosexual men desire.
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What is the solution?
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The world or at least the Western world would become an emotionally healthier
place with more empathy from certain women in the dating world. Women can
easily make a habit of belittling men and disrespectfully rejecting them. More
broadly, it is easy for women to be oblivious to the pain experience by men in
the dating world. Women should remember, it really does take guts to open
yourself up to rejection, especially for the men with limited experience who they
are most likely to reject! This isn’t at all meant to mean that women should
tolerate genuine sexual harassment or aggressive behaviour from men. These
men do not deserve you’re respect and so should not be given any.
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For those men who you have mixed feeling about, try to be more patient and
realize the stress put on a man putting himself out there in the early stages of
dating. Don’t be overly judgemental if he makes a faux pas or turns you off a bit
with some of his behaviors. Give him a chance to show you some of his real
character, good qualities, and moral principles (which hopefully you care about).
For those men you truly just aren’t attracted to and have no interest in, please
still show him respect. Treat him how you would want to be treated. Don’t
humiliate him, don’t rudely reject him, and don’t ghost him. If you see good
qualities in him but he made ‘mistakes’, give him constructive criticism or you
can simply communicate clearly that you’re not interested verbally or over text.
It’s also a situation where lying can be fairly harmless and even helpful. It is easy
to end a conversation by saying ‘I am seeing someone’ or ‘I have a boyfriend’
with little damage done compared to outright rejection.
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By having more understanding and empathy for what many men go through with
rejection, women can help alleviate some of this burden on men, by
remembering all men are human beings that deserve some patience and
respect, even the ones that you have no interest in. For those you are interested
in, try to make it as easy as possible by showing you’re signals clearly and give
it some time to make sure he sees them.
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The ‘hidden’ rejection of women…
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Does this mean that women have it easier than men? Sort of … I would say that
most ‘attractive’ women, who most men would desire as a partner, do have it
easier, at least during the early stages of dating. Of the many men that will
express desire for them, they ‘simply’ have to reject those they don’t want and
choose the ones they do want for sex and dating. This isn’t a novel idea, and
one can find many YouTube videos making a similar point about the many
options of young women. However, an often overlooked or mischaracterized
point is that most men do a lot of rejection too, they just don’t really
acknowledge it or realize it. They reject many women simply based on a quick
visual glance and likely soon forget about them. This category of women, who
most men find unattractive, go through a lot of pain, and are often completely
ignored by or even ridiculed by men. This category of women are also likely not
truly ever understood by ‘attractive’ women, even those they are friends with.
Imagine that you seek a loving long-term bond with man and yet every one of
them you encounter is at best willing to offer you casual sex. These
‘unattractive’ women are also often more limited than men in their ability to
make themselves more attractive.
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What is the solution?
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Men would do well to be more empathetic of women who they have no serious
interest in. Realize there is a good portion of women who experience a lot of
rejection before they have even had a chance to speak. There are of course
some men who are similarly rejected but these men still have chance if they
have other strong qualities (hence ‘Beauty and the Beast’). Following this, if you
are man, for any women who you are in any way on the fence about physically,
give her a chance! I have experienced this firsthand, with women who I was
initially not physically attracted to, who transformed quickly into someone very
attractive with her charm and wit. Men should also get rid of the 10 point scale.
To give someone a number on their attractiveness is dehumanizing for anyone,
and usually ends up just lowering women’s self-esteem and making men more
competitive and judgemental of each other, making it worse for everyone.
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In terms of direct advice for women, realize that nature and culture can be ‘cruel’
in terms of standards for physical attractiveness, but that doesn’t mean the
right answer is to become hopeless, cynical, or hateful of men. Think of physical
attractiveness as the gateway to a loving relationship and many men once in
relationship with you will actually be more accepting of physical traits they might
not of initially.
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For women, firstly, don’t underestimate the power of your own confidence and
showing traits that men find attractive. Show them you’re warmth, principles,
wit, and charm …, and work on any of these that need it. Secondly, work on any
physical traits that you have control over. Lose excess fat, gain muscle, and
accentuate the positive aspects of your body naturally and not with a lot of
makeup or surgeries. You’d be surprised at the range of body types men find
attractive despite what they may say aloud. Often endomorphic women (that
hold fat more easily), are the ones most likely to let themselves go but could
have very attractive bodies to most men with some effort and could feel better
and healthier at the same time. An easy method is to add a lot of legumes,
fruits, and vegetables to your diet and you will watch your body transform and
even moderate exercise will accelerate you’re transformation. Endomorphic
women greatly underestimate how quickly they can significantly shift the
amount of men interested in them as partners, as a lot of men do like some fat
on a woman and genuinely aren’t looking for ‘skinny’ women. None of this is
meant to be ‘fat shaming’, it is only to acknowledge that having an excess of fat
is something the women have at least some control over and have by taking up
healthy habits can potentially transform their experience with men and dating,
and likely make them healthier overall at the same time.
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Conclusion…
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For men and women, considering the points in this article, the dating world
would be a better place with more consideration and empathy towards the pain
of rejection the other sex goes through. This could cause less depression,
frustration and anger in both parties. Also, always focus on what you actually
want and are attracted to in a partner and not what you’re friends or society
wants. Finally, self-improvement to become more attractive should not be
underestimated by anyone.